On Why Jack Shepard Might Not Be The Best Lover
Kate: Also!! The “flashes” that they had to their life back on the island? How did Jack and Juliet not have them when they fucked to produce David? Was the sex that lackluster? I don’t like what this implies about Jack’s sexual prowess.
Richard: I don’t like it either. I think they only had sex once, which was for the purpose of producing a son. And when the intent is procreation, the island has no claim to it. OR Or it was just that they weren’t meant to be together. Juliet and Sawyer were meant to be together. Which is why they were together. Also, though, why, if he were the protector of the island, would Hurley have been such a tough one to make remember? And if Desmond’s power was that he could inhabit two worlds at once, why would one of the worlds be Purgatory? Doesn’t that kind of take the wind out of those sails? Like, oh you can be both alive and dead at the same time.
Kate: Yeah. I agree. That’s weird. We learned in the constant that he was special for his TIME TRAVELING abilities. Not his weird pseudo-religious world inhabiting abilities. Also Jack was the hardest one to make remember and he was protector too.
Richard: Oh yeah. I forgot. That makes the sense I think we should write a buddy comedy spin-off starring Hurley and Ben as co-protectors. Lost: The Golden Years. And basically, they sort of flounce around the island getting into self-created shenanigans.
Kate: There could have at least been a montage.
Richard: I know. I feel like very little happened during those years. I mean, with Richard and the Smoke Monster gone, no Dharma, no Others, etc. Like what’d they have to work with. Also, Jacob brought them there to be protectors of the island, but like, why? Why protect the island? If the light only mattered to the island, then what was the whole big deal? I thought, Light Dying = Whole World Dead. But then it was like, Light Dying = Mild inconvenience to 8 people. It sort of lowered the stakes a little bit.
Kate: It did. It definitely did. But I don’t think the light went out? It just got fucked a bit when Desmond moved the rock thing? And then Jack put it back? So the light was okay? But he died? And yeah really what was Ben and Hurley’s To Do List? 1. Bury Jack. 2…………..
Richard: hahha But did Desmond do what Locke/Smoke Monster wanted him to? Everyone was all, if he succeeds then the whole world will be destroyed. And so, like, he sort of succeeded no? What was he wrong about? Jack was like, I’m gonna kill you. And he was like, ner. And then Jack was all, rarrr. And then like the island was all, aaaah. But the whole thing was shockingly easy to fix. Even the cave of wonders still collapsed after Abu put the ruby back. You’d think the island’s plug would be a little more difficult to maneuver. Not just a simple: when you take this rock off, the island sinks. When you put it back, the island doesn’t sink. For an ancient island with a crazy history, that just seems overly simplistic. There’s not a third state of being for the island?
Kate: I agree. Its your season finale Lost. Go nuts. Burn that fucker to the ground. Have the cave of light collapse on itself. Have the smoke monster get off the island and kill everyone in the world armageddon style and then have the castaways have to go back in time and kill John Locke as a baby to fix things, have the castaways who got off the island in 2007 meet the castaways in 2004 and have things get weird (sexually.)
Richard: At least have the smoke monster turn into someone more attractive than Locke.
Kate: hhahhahahahahaah
Richard: Have the rock you put into the cave of light look MORE like a penis.
Kate: Have your metaphorical vagina filled by a metaphorical penis. They could have at least shown Jack’s penis. Just once.
Richard: hahaha I know. Or at least when he thought the rock plug wasn’t going to work, had him take it out and put it back in a few times. Just to see if the cave of light maybe just needed a little more to get going.
Kate: hahahahhahahaha
Richard: I think there are so many signs pointing to Jack being just a terrible lover.
Kate: Scene: Jack struggles with the rock, nothing seems to be working. He looks around and make sure no one is looking and slowly unzips his pants….
Richard: It’s like, he and his wife are about to make love and then he looks down at her vagina and then looks at the camera with a confused look on his face. LOST
Kate: hahahhahahahaha But like I like to imagine Jack is very virile because without that, what does he have really? Tears self esteem issues and some super hot tattoos.
Richard: I think it’s a situation where Jack has all of those things, he can talk the talk, walk the walk, cry, operate on people, chop Boone’s leg off, perform a blood transfusion on an island with a bottle of vodka and a bamboo stick, but then once you get him in the sack he tucks his pp between his legs and asks you what you want to do. And then it’s like a struggle to get him off your back and he like blushes every time you say pussy so you just have to point at it. Off his back, to get him off his back.
Kate: I liked the imagery of getting him off your back, it’s weird and confusing.
Richard: And like after several hours of concerted effort and crying and eventually you finishing yourself off, then he wants to talk about stuff.
Kate: He wants to talk about how that made you feel.
Richard: And how he can save you. And all you want to do is smoke a cigarette, but you know he’s a doctor so he’s gonna be all smoking kills.
Kate: You’ll get a lecture. And possibly some more tears.
Richard: Exactly.
